oh wow

The semester is over. I felt like it would never end. But it did (Thank the lord). At one point there I thought I might die from the stress and drama of Flagstaff. But Hawaii saved me. It seriously saved me from a vicious downward spiral. Hawaii + ultimate + Ben = the best vacation ever.

So now its December. I graduate in May. That means I have a mere FOUR months to figure out what I'm doing next. I didn't

think this day would ever come. But its approaching fast and I really want nothing more then to stop time. I know I've been bitching about how much I want out of this place. But now I'm scared. I'm scared of not being able to find a decent job, I'm scared of graduating with sub par grades and I'm scared of leaving the comfortable life I've made here. I wish I had a reason to stay, but I don't. Well actually I do but I'd rather not talk about that....

Some days I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility I have to take care of my own life. There are so many things that I could do, so many options to choose. I don't know which choice is the right choice.
Other days I see that there ARE so many option. I can do whatever I want, be where ever I want, whenever I want. The world is my oyster and I am ready to find my pearl. I am 22. I've got loads of time to give.
These other days seem to becoming more frequent then the some days as I rrealize that I can be happy in any place I choose. I think that's a good thing.


On another note:
Christmas is in three days. I can't believe how much it doesn't feel like it. I wonder if that is just part of getting older. It kind of sucks. I remember when the whole month of December felt Christmasy. I loved that. I would wake up my brother at 5 am on Christmas morning and we would rundown stairs wrapped in our blankets. We had to wait for my Grandma to get up before opening the presents that filled up our entire living room. So we would sit there in our blankets and just look. My dad would light a fire, my mom would bake coffee cake and we would just sit and look at the charlie brown tree we cut down the day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas village display, the snow outside and the gifts under the tree.
As I as write this, I realized how much I miss that. The worse part is I can't go back and that makes me sad. This is going to sound ridiculous but I can't wait to re live that through my own kids someday.

I'm in the Phoenix airport. I think I've been here 3 times in the last 30 days? whoa.

Off to Missoula where there is enough snow to ski on. Hells yeah.

p.s. I love you emily.