I think I am an independent person.
I do not need people around me.
I do not need to feel comfortable.
I can up and leave, I have no connections.
I can easily make friends.
I want to feel and be needed in people lives.
So far, the only one who needs me is my mom...
This is what I've concluded about myself this month.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
memotional
I don't get it. I really don't. I feel like I do everything in my power, I put in my maximum amount of whole hearted, genuine effort and I feel like I get shit back. What is wrong with the people in this town? this country? this world? I really don't expect much in return. All I expect is a little bit of respect and maybe some consideration. Is that really to much to ask? Maybe it is...
Is my presence in this life taken for granted by everybody? I feel like there are a select few people in my life that truly value my presence in their life. and the others put on this facade of "caring" and "love" and whatever. but really they just brush my love aside like they have/had better.
My options are slim: If I leave, if i give up, I'll be loosing something that I know has potential. Maybe they will realize reality and change. But most likely they will not. Most likely I will have to deal with this for the rest of my time here and that... that seriously makes me cry. Whats the point of always being miserable? whats the point of it if your not having fun? whats the point if nobody is benefiting from my presence?
I hate this feeling. I feel lost and alone. I'm so sad and so angry. I feel abused and disrespected.
I dont know how to make it stop.
I think maybe biggest problem is the undefined roles people play in my life. I thought that by not defining their roles, it gives them the upper hand and I always liked to try to see the best in people. That is ridiculous and I am done with that shit. If somebody doesn't live up to my expectation of being a friend then they're obviously not good enough. Yeah, it sounds cocky but I cannot stand getting hurt by these people anymore.
Friend:
dont talk shit behind my back to our "friends"
be there for me
when im sad cheer me up
when all i want to talk about is my life, listen
when im happy, relish in my joy
when im sick, worry about me
when i need company, stop by
listen to my opinions and truly consider them even if it makes you look bad
really care about it and not just say you do
forgive me when im a bitch (and not talk about my bitchy behavior to your other so called "friends"
Yeah, these things take solid effort. But the sad thing is, I do this for the majority of people in my life and I get it back from 1 or 2. WTF? I really don't want to stop but I've exhausted all my energy and I'm not getting refueled. I've got to see it. Words are one thing, but actions are true. I'm hearing one thing and not seeing it. I need to see it. Positive reenforcement, you know? Maybe I should trust words, but I can't. But thats a whole other blog entry....
Oooooh my! as if ochem isnt enough stress in my life! tack on the rest of this and I have enough for a.....
Is my presence in this life taken for granted by everybody? I feel like there are a select few people in my life that truly value my presence in their life. and the others put on this facade of "caring" and "love" and whatever. but really they just brush my love aside like they have/had better.
My options are slim: If I leave, if i give up, I'll be loosing something that I know has potential. Maybe they will realize reality and change. But most likely they will not. Most likely I will have to deal with this for the rest of my time here and that... that seriously makes me cry. Whats the point of always being miserable? whats the point of it if your not having fun? whats the point if nobody is benefiting from my presence?
I hate this feeling. I feel lost and alone. I'm so sad and so angry. I feel abused and disrespected.
I dont know how to make it stop.
I think maybe biggest problem is the undefined roles people play in my life. I thought that by not defining their roles, it gives them the upper hand and I always liked to try to see the best in people. That is ridiculous and I am done with that shit. If somebody doesn't live up to my expectation of being a friend then they're obviously not good enough. Yeah, it sounds cocky but I cannot stand getting hurt by these people anymore.
Friend:
dont talk shit behind my back to our "friends"
be there for me
when im sad cheer me up
when all i want to talk about is my life, listen
when im happy, relish in my joy
when im sick, worry about me
when i need company, stop by
listen to my opinions and truly consider them even if it makes you look bad
really care about it and not just say you do
forgive me when im a bitch (and not talk about my bitchy behavior to your other so called "friends"
Yeah, these things take solid effort. But the sad thing is, I do this for the majority of people in my life and I get it back from 1 or 2. WTF? I really don't want to stop but I've exhausted all my energy and I'm not getting refueled. I've got to see it. Words are one thing, but actions are true. I'm hearing one thing and not seeing it. I need to see it. Positive reenforcement, you know? Maybe I should trust words, but I can't. But thats a whole other blog entry....
Oooooh my! as if ochem isnt enough stress in my life! tack on the rest of this and I have enough for a.....
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