New blog

I have a new blog. It's called "planned spontaneity" at kristinearoundtheworld.blogspot.com. Why a new blog you ask? Well here is the answer:

Creating a new blog for a new adventure is appropriate for a couple reasons: first of them is that this blog is entitled "Kristine goes to Australia" at kristinedownunder.blogspot.com. The problem in this is that I'm not going to Australia (or down under). A new title and URL is necessary for anybody not familiar with my traveling statues. They would easily put together what I'm doing and what the blog is about.
The second reason is that I wanted a fresh new start, a new look and a new place to write about my travels and life. This blog has a past and its own personality. And while I love the stories here, I want a place to tell new stories with out the pressure of the old ones.

However, since you (Ben and maybe Jim and Emily) are the only ones who read my blogs, I am willing to listen to your opinions and change my mind if you think 1 blog is best.

Also, you can access both blogs by clicking on my profile link. So with the new one, you can still go back and read the old one in only 2 clicks (not that difficult).

p.s. I got a new camera!

come on skinny love

just last the year, pour a little salt we were never here.
My my my...
probably the most played song on my playlist right now.

The weather here has been odd. The rainy days are broken with some sun, or maybe the the sunny days are broken with rain. I don't know which.

More time goes by and I still change my mind every day. With everything.

My eyes are open, I am observing life around me but I can't seem to make sense of it. Of anything.

The conflicts, the relationships, the presences and absences are lost somewhere inside my heart.

By the tone of my writing it may sound like I'm unhappy, but I'm not. Really I'm not. I am taking comfort in the fact that I am learning about my life and life in general and its glorious!

oh wow

The semester is over. I felt like it would never end. But it did (Thank the lord). At one point there I thought I might die from the stress and drama of Flagstaff. But Hawaii saved me. It seriously saved me from a vicious downward spiral. Hawaii + ultimate + Ben = the best vacation ever.

So now its December. I graduate in May. That means I have a mere FOUR months to figure out what I'm doing next. I didn't

think this day would ever come. But its approaching fast and I really want nothing more then to stop time. I know I've been bitching about how much I want out of this place. But now I'm scared. I'm scared of not being able to find a decent job, I'm scared of graduating with sub par grades and I'm scared of leaving the comfortable life I've made here. I wish I had a reason to stay, but I don't. Well actually I do but I'd rather not talk about that....

Some days I feel overwhelmed with the responsibility I have to take care of my own life. There are so many things that I could do, so many options to choose. I don't know which choice is the right choice.
Other days I see that there ARE so many option. I can do whatever I want, be where ever I want, whenever I want. The world is my oyster and I am ready to find my pearl. I am 22. I've got loads of time to give.
These other days seem to becoming more frequent then the some days as I rrealize that I can be happy in any place I choose. I think that's a good thing.


On another note:
Christmas is in three days. I can't believe how much it doesn't feel like it. I wonder if that is just part of getting older. It kind of sucks. I remember when the whole month of December felt Christmasy. I loved that. I would wake up my brother at 5 am on Christmas morning and we would rundown stairs wrapped in our blankets. We had to wait for my Grandma to get up before opening the presents that filled up our entire living room. So we would sit there in our blankets and just look. My dad would light a fire, my mom would bake coffee cake and we would just sit and look at the charlie brown tree we cut down the day after Thanksgiving, the Christmas village display, the snow outside and the gifts under the tree.
As I as write this, I realized how much I miss that. The worse part is I can't go back and that makes me sad. This is going to sound ridiculous but I can't wait to re live that through my own kids someday.

I'm in the Phoenix airport. I think I've been here 3 times in the last 30 days? whoa.

Off to Missoula where there is enough snow to ski on. Hells yeah.

p.s. I love you emily.

monthy

I think I am an independent person.
I do not need people around me.
I do not need to feel comfortable.

I can up and leave, I have no connections.
I can easily make friends.

I want to feel and be needed in people lives.
So far, the only one who needs me is my mom...

This is what I've concluded about myself this month.

memotional

I don't get it. I really don't. I feel like I do everything in my power, I put in my maximum amount of whole hearted, genuine effort and I feel like I get shit back. What is wrong with the people in this town? this country? this world? I really don't expect much in return. All I expect is a little bit of respect and maybe some consideration. Is that really to much to ask? Maybe it is...
Is my presence in this life taken for granted by everybody? I feel like there are a select few people in my life that truly value my presence in their life. and the others put on this facade of "caring" and "love" and whatever. but really they just brush my love aside like they have/had better.
My options are slim: If I leave, if i give up, I'll be loosing something that I know has potential. Maybe they will realize reality and change. But most likely they will not. Most likely I will have to deal with this for the rest of my time here and that... that seriously makes me cry. Whats the point of always being miserable? whats the point of it if your not having fun? whats the point if nobody is benefiting from my presence?
I hate this feeling. I feel lost and alone. I'm so sad and so angry. I feel abused and disrespected.
I dont know how to make it stop.
I think maybe biggest problem is the undefined roles people play in my life. I thought that by not defining their roles, it gives them the upper hand and I always liked to try to see the best in people. That is ridiculous and I am done with that shit. If somebody doesn't live up to my expectation of being a friend then they're obviously not good enough. Yeah, it sounds cocky but I cannot stand getting hurt by these people anymore.
Friend:
dont talk shit behind my back to our "friends"
be there for me
when im sad cheer me up
when all i want to talk about is my life, listen
when im happy, relish in my joy
when im sick, worry about me
when i need company, stop by
listen to my opinions and truly consider them even if it makes you look bad
really care about it and not just say you do
forgive me when im a bitch (and not talk about my bitchy behavior to your other so called "friends"

Yeah, these things take solid effort. But the sad thing is, I do this for the majority of people in my life and I get it back from 1 or 2. WTF? I really don't want to stop but I've exhausted all my energy and I'm not getting refueled. I've got to see it. Words are one thing, but actions are true. I'm hearing one thing and not seeing it. I need to see it. Positive reenforcement, you know? Maybe I should trust words, but I can't. But thats a whole other blog entry....

Oooooh my! as if ochem isnt enough stress in my life! tack on the rest of this and I have enough for a.....

Montana

I have traveled half way around the world. I have seen things that possessed beauty beyond words. I have learned things about life that I never expected to discover.

I am looking out onto the crystal blue green waters of Flathead lake, and as they sparkle in the golden afternoon sunlight I wonder to myself, Is Montana any less beautiful than the places I just came from? Are the babbling creeks and roaring rivers set along the side of green wheat fields and fur thickets anything less than that streams inside the vine covered rain forest? Are the fresh produce stands and flower bouquets that are lined up one after another along the streets of old downtown Missoula not as great as the quiet rain forest markets of Kuranda? Is the grandeur of the snowcapped Mission Mountains any less grand than the Southern Alps of New Zealand.
There are obviously no right or wrong answers to these questions. I have learned that beauty lays within the eye of the beholder. Yes, I have heard this expression many times before, but until now I understand what it means. I understand that it is different from eye to eye and can be in many different places and many different things. I can say, "This is the most beautiful place I've ever seen" because there can be more than one "most beautiful place". I also know that beauty can also deceiving. By this I mean that while there maybe immense beauty in a place they may also be tragedy and disgust within it too. For example, the thick rainforest's of the Philippine islands while beautiful and lush hide poverty famine and disease. The word beauty is like those other hard to define words like love, hate, rich and poor. The definition will differ from person to person and thats ok! This, I find to be... well, beautiful. The fact that a word can mean so many different things to different people is what makes us, us.

So, my answer to these questions is this: No, Montana is nothing less then the white sands and jewel blue water of Whithaven beach or the rain forest jungles or the mountain lakes in NZ. It is Montana and the love and appreciation I have for it has grown while I have been away. And although there is beauty in every corner of this world, to me there will never be a beauty like that of which Montana holds.

Same in any language

No matter where you are, what age group you are in or what language you speak, drama will come. Its funny because we always say, "I feel like I am in middle school." But will we ever grow out of the middle school mentality or do we deal with trivial drama for the rest of our lives? I think the drama seed is planted in the 6th grade where it quickly takes root; a big, fat, thick tap root that nobody is able to pull out. Once its there, its there to stay. The only thing that changes is the things we are dramatizing, and usually that doesn't even seem to change! I know this because even our mom's are apart of ridiculous drama (my favorite: the 40-60 year old tennis women talking behind each other back about who is playing in which summer league...). So next time that we are caught in the middle of some silly drama, lets just remember that its exactly like the cliques we were apart of in our youth and its never going to ever end. ever. I'd like to think that we, as grown adults, are better than that. But we aren't. We can, however, try to remediate it before it gets to sticky.

Ooooh trailer park drama at its best.

I still love every second I spend here (back stabbing and all). I've just got to figure out away to make time slow down!